


The Manifestation Of Grief

by bluemisfortune



Category: Kakumeiki Valvrave | Valvrave the Liberator
Genre: Canon Compliant, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-06 17:21:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16391951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluemisfortune/pseuds/bluemisfortune
Summary: What else can you do when your dead best friend invades your room but ignore him?Or at least try to.





	The Manifestation Of Grief

 It’s getting late when X-eins’ door opens and H-neun slides in, arms tucked behind his back, head bobbing slightly as he hums what X-eins thinks might be Rukino Saki’s annoying chirpy pop song Q-vier had somehow talked them into watching. That song and accompanying video _alone_ is reason enough for that module should be wiped from existence with cleansing military fire. That’s completely ignoring the numerous humiliations they had suffered at the hands of those untrained children and their cursed machines. He’s glad Rukino Saki is in their cells now. He’s glad she won’t get another chance to destroy his machines or sing her annoying song.

 H-neun sits on the end of X-eins’ bed like there’s nothing wrong, although at least he’s stopped humming. He smiles, crossing one leg over the other, stretching his arms back on the bed so he can recline lazily. His head tilts back, gazing at X-eins from the corner of his eye with his usual content smile. Like the world is perfect. There’s nothing wrong. Everything is right with the world even if everything is wrong. Even if nothing makes sense.

 He’s not going to bit though. And he’s not going to spend longer than necessary considering H-neun. So X-eins pulls up his knees, propping up his book, and returning his attention to reading. The bed shifts and X-eins continues ignoring him.

 “You’re ignoring me,” H-neun declares.

 Of course he is. He shouldn’t be here. He can’t be here. X-eins has to stay strong. He has to ignore him. He can’t start acknowledging him. He can’t let himself start to hope there’s more to this than than there is.

 

 “Oi, X,” H-neun huffs. “You can’t ignore me forever. It’s not going to help.”

 “You’re not real,” X-eins whispers, glancing up from his book.

 “Of course I’m not,” he replies. X-eins swallowing thickly. “I’m dead, aren’t I?”

 “Are you?” he says before he can stop himself. H-neun frowns, folding his legs crossed on the bed. X-eins puts down his book, gazing back at H-neun. “Are you real?”

 “You’re really asking me that?” he laughs.

 Of course not. This H-neun isn’t real. He’d never have been able to just walk in if he was. “Not you, but… I never saw your body. Isn’t it possible…”

 “Is it?”

 H-neun smiles sympathetically and X-eins sighs, gripping the earring in his palm. It’s naive and hopelessly childish but there’s a part of him does desperately wish it’s true. That somehow H-neun survived and is still out there somewhere. Maybe he’s injured. Maybe he needs help and X-eins shouldn’t just be sitting here hallucinating or dreaming or whatever this is and should be out there searching for him. There was blood, after all. And his earrings had been taken from him with his pistol. He must have been injured. Perhaps he’s still alive, clinging to life. Perhaps with the royalists.

 

 X-eins frowns to himself. _No._ Even if H-neun was out there, hurting and injured he can’t go searching for him, can he?

 “You betrayed us?” he says hoarsely.

 “I’d never betray you, X,” H-neun says with that typically carefree smile. X-eins shakes his head. How can he act like it’s no big deal? How can he lie to him?! “ _Never_ , X.”

 “But you did,” he argues. “Cain said- There was proof and- He wouldn’t have killed you for no reason and-” He sighs and closes his eyes, almost wishing the phantom would vanish. It hurts too much. It’s just making his chest hurt more. It makes him doubt everything more. “You sold military secrets to the royalists. There’s proof of that. You can’t deny it.”

 “I guess if there’s proof, I can’t.”

 “Why? Why would you do that?” H-neun remains silent and X-eins opens his eyes to see him frowning a little, gazing off to the side. Just like he had been that day. Quiet and not himself. X-eins should have seen something was wrong.Why didn’t he see it? Guilt. Regret. His H-neun hurting. “You don’t know... You’re a manifestation of my grief. You don’t know anything I don’t.”

 “Sorry.”

 “I wish you did know the answer,” X-eins says tilting his head back. “I don’t understand why you did it. I keep trying to make sense of it. I keep trying to figure out what could have driven you to betray us and I just _can’t_ figure it out.”

 “I’d never betray you, X,” H-neun says.

 “But you did,” he snaps, shaking his head. “We just decided that. You _did_ sell them military secrets and you were put to death for it. I just can’t understand why you’d do that. I never thought… I never thought I’d lose you.”

 “I’d never betray you, X,” he repeats.

 “Then why?”

 “I don’t know.”

 “Guess. You might be a phantom conjured by my grief, but you’re the H-neun I know in my subconscious, aren’t you? You’re him without all this emotion clouding you. The him I know best, so please, tell me why.”

 “I’d never betray you,” H-neun says firmly, leaning closer, gazing into his eyes unwaveringly.

 

 That’s all he keeps saying. With such honesty and confidence and passion. That’s the H-neun X-eins knows and loves most. That’s what he keeps coming back to. Is that really what X-eins believes most strongly about him deep down? Hasn’t that all just been proven wrong though? So why does he keep saying it?

 “You.” X-eins’ eyes widen. “Not Dorssia, not the team. You. I would never betray _you_.”

 “Me?” X-eins repeats slowly. “It was to do with me?”

 “What else would drive me to betray every principal I have but keeping you safe?”

 “You’re dead because of me?”

 “I’m dead because I got in over my head.”

 “Then… then the royalists threned me?” X-eins says. H-neun smiles helplessly. He doesn’t know anymore than X-eins does. He’s just helping him think things through, but it’s the only thing that X-eins can think of that makes sense. “That has to be it, doesn’t it? You wouldn’t have turned against us for just anything. If someone threatened me, that would be enough to make you do anything, wouldn’t it? Idiot.”

 “I would do anything to protect you,” H-neun says.

 “Because you’re an idiot. I’m not a child that need you watching over me all the time anymore, Hano”

 “Because I love you.”

 X-eins scowls at him. “Is that something H-neun really felt and I’ve subconsciously picked up? Or my own unknown desires projected onto you in hopes of wish fulfillment?”

 “Are you in love with me too?” he laughs, leaning closer.

 “That’s enough of that,” X-eins snaps, turning away. “Whether it’s the truth or wish fulfillment, it doesn’t matter now. It’ll only cause more pain.”


End file.
